Mr. Munchausen <br />Being a True Account of Some of the Recent Adventures beyond the Styx of the L by John Kendrick Bangs (you can read anyone .TXT) 📕
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- Author: John Kendrick Bangs
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“Under such circumstances it was considered by a company of gentlemen in London to be well worth their while to set about the discovery of a lake, which they decided in advance to call Majolica, for reasons best known to themselves; they probably wanted to jar somebody with it. And to me was intrusted the mission of leading the expedition. I will confess that I did not want to go for the very good reason that I did not wish to be eaten alive by the savage tribes that infested that region, but the company provided me with a close fitting suit of mail, which I wore from the time I started until I returned. It was very fortunate for me that I was so provided, for on three distinct occasions I was served up for state dinners and each time successfully resisted the carving knife and as a result, was thereafter well received, all the chiefs looking upon me as one who bore a charmed existence.”
Here the Baron paused long enough for the Twins to reflect upon and realise the terrors which had beset him on his way to Lake Majolica, and be it said that if they had thought him brave before they now deemed him a very hero of heroes.
“When I set out,” said the Baron, “I was accompanied by ten Zanzibaris and a thousand tins of condensed dinners.”
“A thousand what, Uncle Munch?” asked Jack, his mouth watering.
“Condensed dinners,” said the Baron, “I had a lot of my favourite dinners condensed and put up in tins. I didn’t expect to be gone more than a year and a thousand dinners condensed and tinned, together with the food I expected to find on the way, elephant meat, rhinoceros steaks, and tiger chops, I thought would suffice for the trip. I could eat the condensed dinners and my followers could have the elephant’s meat, rhinoceros steaks, and tiger chops—not to mention the bananas and other fruits which grow wild in the African jungle. It was not long, however, before I made the discovery that the Zanzibaris, in order to eat tigers, need to learn first how to keep tigers from eating them. We went to bed late one night on the fourth day out from Lollokolela, and when we waked up the next morning every mother’s son of us, save myself, had been eaten by tigers, and again it was nothing but my coat of mail that saved me. There were eighteen tigers’ teeth sticking into the sleeve of the coat, as it was. You can imagine my distress at having to continue the search for Lake Majolica alone. It was then that I acquired the habit of talking to myself, which has kept me young ever since, for I enjoy my own conversation hugely, and find myself always a sympathetic listener. I walked on for days and days, until finally, on Christmas Eve, I reached King Mtulu’s palace. Of course your idea of a palace is a magnificent five-story building with beautiful carvings all over the front of it, marble stair-cases and handsomely painted and gilded ceilings. King Mtulu’s palace was nothing of the sort, although for that region it was quite magnificent, the walls being decorated with elephants’ tusks, crocodile teeth and many other treasures such as delight the soul of the Central African.
“Now as I may not have told you, King Mtulu was the fiercest of the African chiefs, and it is said that up to the time when I outwitted him no white man had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale. Consequently, when without knowing it on this sultry Christmas Eve, laden with the luggage and the tinned dinners and other things I had brought with me I stumbled upon the blood-thirsty monarch I gave myself up for lost.
“‘Who comes here to disturb the royal peace?’ cried Mtulu, savagely, as I crossed the threshold.
“‘It is I, your highness,’ I returned, my face blanching, for I recognized him at once by the ivory ring he wore in the end of his nose.
“‘Who is I?’ retorted Mtulu, picking up his battle axe and striding forward.
“A happy thought struck me then. These folks are superstitious. Perhaps the missionaries may have told these uncivilised creatures the story of Santa Claus. I will pretend that I am Santa Claus. So I answered, ‘Who is I, O Mtulu, Bravest of the Taafe Chiefs? I am Santa Claus, the Children’s Friend, and bearer of gifts to and for all.’
“Mtulu gazed at me narrowly for a moment and then he beat lightly upon a tom-tom at his side. Immediately thirty of the most villainous-looking natives, each armed with a club, appeared.
“‘Arrest that man,’ said Mtulu, ‘before he goes any farther. He is an impostor.’
“‘If your majesty pleases,’ I began.
“‘Silence!’ he cried, ‘I am fierce and I eat men, but I love truth. The truthful man has nothing to fear from me, for I have been converted from my evil ways and since last New Year’s day I have eaten only those who have attempted to deceive me. You will be served raw at dinner to-morrow night. My respect for your record as a man of courage leads me to spare you the torture of the frying-pan. You are Baron Munchausen. I recognized you the moment you turned pale. Another man would have blushed.’
“So I was carried off and shut up in a mud hovel, the interior walls of which were of white, a fact which strangely enough, preserved my life when later I came to the crucial moment. I had brought with me, among other things, for my amusement solely, a magic lantern. As a child, I had always been particularly fond of pictures, and when I thought of the lonely nights in Africa, with no books at hand, no theatres, no cotillions to enliven the monotony of my life, I resolved to take with me my little magic-lantern as much for company as for anything else. It was very compact in form. It folded up to be hardly larger than a wallet containing a thousand one dollar bills, and the glass lenses of course could be carried easily in my trousers pockets. The views, instead of being mounted on glass, were put on a substance not unlike glass, but thinner, called gelatine. All of these things I carried in my vest pockets, and when Mtulu confiscated my luggage the magic lantern and views of course escaped his notice.
“Christmas morning came and passed and I was about to give myself up for lost, for Mtulu was not a king to be kept from eating a man by anything so small as a suit of mail, when I received word that before dinner my captor and his suite were going to pay me a formal parting call. Night was coming on and as I sat despondently awaiting the king’s arrival, I suddenly bethought me of a lantern slide of the British army, standing and awaiting the command to fire, I happened to have with me. It was a superb view—lifelike as you please. Why not throw that on the wall and when Mtulu enters he will find me apparently with a strong force at my command, thought I. It was no sooner thought than it was done and my life was saved. Hardly was that noble picture reflected upon the rear wall of my prison when the door opened and Mtulu, followed by his suite, appeared. I rose to greet him, but apparently he saw me not. Mute with terror he stood upon the threshold gazing at that terrible line of soldiers ready as he thought to sweep him and his men from the face of the earth with their death-dealing bullets.
“‘I am your slave,’ he replied to my greeting, kneeling before me, ‘I yield all to you.’” Chapter VII.
“‘I am your slave,’ he replied to my greeting, kneeling before me, ‘I yield all to you.’
“‘I thought you would,’ said I. ‘But I ask nothing save the discovery of Lake Majolica. If within twenty-four hours Lake Majolica is not discovered I give the command to fire!’ Then I turned and gave the order to carry arms, and lo! by a quick change of slides, the army appeared at a carry. Mtulu gasped with terror, but accepted my ultimatum. I was freed, Lake Majolica was discovered before ten o’clock the next morning, and at five o’clock I was on my way home, the British army reposing quietly in my breast pocket. It was a mighty narrow escape!”
“I should say so,” said the Twins. “But Mtulu must have been awful stupid not to see what it was.”
“Didn’t he see through it when he saw you put the army in your pocket?” asked Diavolo.
“No,” said the Baron, “that frightened him worse than ever, for you see he reasoned this way. If I could carry an army in my pocket-book, what was to prevent my carrying Mtulu himself and all his tribe off in the same way! He thought I was a marvellous man to be able to do that.”
“Well, we guess he was right,” said the Twins, as they climbed down from the Baron’s lap to find an atlas and search the map of Africa for Lake Majolica. This they failed to find and the Baron’s explanation is unknown to me, for when the Imps returned, the warrior had departed.
AN ADVENTURE IN THE DESERT
“The editor has a sort of notion, Mr. Munchausen,” said Ananias, as he settled down in the big arm-chair before the fire in the Baron’s library, “that he’d like to have a story about a giraffe. Public taste has a necky quality about it of late.”
“What do you say to that, Sapphira?” asked the Baron, politely turning to Mrs. Ananias, who had called with her husband. “Are you interested in giraffes?”
“I like lions better,” said Sapphira. “They roar louder and bite more fiercely.”
“Well, suppose we compromise,” said the Baron, “and have a story about a poodle dog. Poodle dogs sometimes look like lions, and as a rule they are as gentle as giraffes.”
“I know a better scheme than that,” put in Ananias. “Tell us a story about a lion and a giraffe, and if you feel disposed throw in a few poodles for good measure. I’m writing on space this year.”
“That’s so,” said Sapphira, wearily. “I could say it was a story about a lion and Ananias could call it a giraffe story, and we’d each be right.”
“Very well,” said the Baron, “it shall be a story of each, only I must have a cigar before I begin. Cigars help me to think, and the adventure I had in the Desert of Sahara with a lion, a giraffe, and a slippery elm tree was so long ago that I shall have to do a great deal of thinking in order to recall it.”
So the Baron went for a cigar, while Ananias and Sapphira winked enviously at each other and lamented their lost glory. In a minute the Baron returned with the weed, and after lighting it, began his story.
“I was about twenty years old when this thing happened to me,” said he. “I had gone to Africa to investigate the sand in the Desert of Sahara for a Sand Company in America. As you may already have heard, sand is a very useful thing in a great many ways, more particularly however in the building trades. The Sand Company was formed for the purpose of supplying sand to everybody that wanted it, but land in America at that time was so very expensive that there was very little profit in the business. People who owned sand banks and sand lots asked outrageous prices for their property; and the sea-shore people were not willing to part with any of theirs because they needed it in their hotel business. The great attraction of a seaside hotel is the sand on the beach, and of course the proprietors weren’t going to sell that. They might better even sell their brass bands. So the Sand Company thought it might be well to build some steam-ships, load them with oysters, or mowing machines, or historical novels, or anything else that is produced in the United States, and in demand elsewhere; send them to Egypt, sell the oysters, or mowing machines, or historical novels, and then have the ships fill up with sand from the Sahara, which they could get for nothing, and bring it back in ballast to the United States.”
“It must have cost a lot!” said Ananias.
“Not at all,” returned the Baron. “The profits on the oysters and mowing machines and historical novels were so large that all expenses both ways were more than paid, so that when it was delivered in America the sand had really cost less than nothing. We could have thrown it all overboard and still have a profit left. It was I who suggested the idea to
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